Tonight I had the latest in my recurring argument with Sweetie about why she should go to sleep in her own bed instead of ours. I told her I could give her 14 reasons that I didn’t want her falling asleep in ours — and since I know I’m not the only person having this particular argument, I thought I would share my list so that other beleaguered parents can share it with their own kids. Without further ado:

  1. Because when you fall asleep in our bed, I have to move you.
  2. Because when I move you, my ancient back hurts. Do you know why? Because I waited years and years to have kids…you know, until I could afford a house with a separate room for the kids!
  3. Because I want to be able to watch The Daily Show without you waking up.
  4. Because I want to be able to watch The Daily Show without you being exposed to Fox News, either consciously or subconsciously.
  5. Because you steal the good pillows.
  6. Because I want to cuddle with your dad without you in the way.
  7. Because I want to more than cuddle with your dad without you in the way. Hey, you’re the one who’s always lobbying for a baby brother or sister. (But don’t get your hopes up: see point #2, above.)
  8. Because I don’t want to listen to Mermaids and Fairy Dust
  9. Because turning off all the lights so that you can fall asleep makes me sleepy, and I need to stay awake so that I can do some work once you are finally asleep.
  10. Because children who fall asleep in their parents’ beds are 14% shorter than kids who fall asleep in their own beds.*
  11. Because you are a total blanket hog.
  12. Because you snore and drool and are generally somewhat disgusting when asleep. (OK, maybe also a tiny bit cute.)
  13. Because you take five times as long to fall asleep in our bed as you take to fall asleep in your own.
  14. Because when you lean on my shoulder while you are falling asleep, you totally cramp my blogging arm.

Sweetie came up with her own list of counter-arguments while I was writing this, but she can write her own blog post…once she had had a good night’s sleep.

*It is possible that this is not an actual scientific fact. It might even be the kind of thing a desperate mother makes up in her effort to convince a kid to go to sleep in her own bed.