Tonight I had the latest in my recurring argument with Sweetie about why she should go to sleep in her own bed instead of ours. I told her I could give her 14 reasons that I didn’t want her falling asleep in ours — and since I know I’m not the only person having this particular argument, I thought I would share my list so that other beleaguered parents can share it with their own kids. Without further ado:
- Because when you fall asleep in our bed, I have to move you.
- Because when I move you, my ancient back hurts. Do you know why? Because I waited years and years to have kids…you know, until I could afford a house with a separate room for the kids!
- Because I want to be able to watch The Daily Show without you waking up.
- Because I want to be able to watch The Daily Show without you being exposed to Fox News, either consciously or subconsciously.
- Because you steal the good pillows.
- Because I want to cuddle with your dad without you in the way.
- Because I want to more than cuddle with your dad without you in the way. Hey, you’re the one who’s always lobbying for a baby brother or sister. (But don’t get your hopes up: see point #2, above.)
- Because I don’t want to listen to Mermaids and Fairy Dust.
- Because turning off all the lights so that you can fall asleep makes me sleepy, and I need to stay awake so that I can do some work once you are finally asleep.
- Because children who fall asleep in their parents’ beds are 14% shorter than kids who fall asleep in their own beds.*
- Because you are a total blanket hog.
- Because you snore and drool and are generally somewhat disgusting when asleep. (OK, maybe also a tiny bit cute.)
- Because you take five times as long to fall asleep in our bed as you take to fall asleep in your own.
- Because when you lean on my shoulder while you are falling asleep, you totally cramp my blogging arm.
Sweetie came up with her own list of counter-arguments while I was writing this, but she can write her own blog post…once she had had a good night’s sleep.
*It is possible that this is not an actual scientific fact. It might even be the kind of thing a desperate mother makes up in her effort to convince a kid to go to sleep in her own bed.