A while ago I blogged a list of anticipated jobs of the future: new categories of employment that will be necessitated by our increasingly plugged-in lives. ¬†Now it’s time to add a few to the list:

Update concierge: 2 laptops + 2 home computers + 1 ipad + 1 iphone + 2 ipod touches = 5,842,102 software updates per week. (I’m sure that’s what it would come out to if I actually stopped to count.) And since those software updates are linked to a bunch of different online accounts and serial numbers, and inevitably run into a different set of obstacles on each machine (“This version of TimeWaster is not compatible with Mac OS”) it is pretty much a full-time job to notice which updates are available, and then actually download and run them. A full-time job, but God willing, not MY full-time job.

Charging butler: Take the wattage for any device charger, divide it by the number of prongs or pins in its charging cable, and multiply that number by .6: you’ll have the number of minutes of human effort required to keep that device charged. ¬†Based on this math, I calculate that for every 4 devices you own that are powered by a rechargeable battery, you will require two full-time equivalent employees to ensure they are charged when you need them.

Cord wrangler: If someone had told me how many cables I would have to keep track of in order to enjoy the fruits of this here Information Revolution, I would have given serious consideration to sticking with wax tablets. I can pretty much guarantee that whatever cable I have in my purse (and there are usually about 7 of them), it will inevitably be too short, too tangled or too mangled for whatever I need it for — and that is if it is even the right type of cable in the first place. That is why I look forward to hiring a full-time cord wrangler — ideally someone with really extreme piercings that they use to wrap my various cables directly onto their person.

Returner-in-chief: In our household, this has been the Year of Amazon. The combination of a US mailbox, an Amazon Prime account and a couple of iPads (to keep the kids busy during the 45-minute drive to the border) has finally opened our eyes and wallets to the convenience of shopping online. So this would also have been the Year of Amazon Returns — if I were organized enough to actually ship back my failed purchases. That’s why I need a Returner-in-Chief, a role that would pay for itself in Amazon savings.

Conversation bird: As more and more of us yield to our compulsion to check email or play Angry Birds during every vacant moment, we gradually lose our capacity for coping with the boredom of waiting….driving us to spend even more time on screen, and further eroding our capacity for life offline in general. The obvious solution is to short-circuit the choice between boredom vs. screen time by creating the modern equivalent of court jesters: professional conversation partners who exist to provide an amusing, live alternative to angry birds. Coming soon to a line-up near you!

Human keychain: You know those dystopian movies where a future society grows brainless human clones to use as organ donors? They got it backwards. What I actually need is a Brain-In-A-Jar-On-A-Keychain, which I can fully dedicate to remembering all my passwords, so that my primary brain is available to write War and Peace: The Sequel and come up iwth the cure for cancer. But until the BIAJOAK comes along, I will settle for a full-time human staffer who does nothing except remember and enter my passwords. And I will pay her really well, ’cause she will have the power to seriously fuck up my life.

Do any of these jobs of the future sound like a great fit for your skill set, interests or lack of motivation? Please contact me to apply today. In keeping with the Payroll of the Future, the pay is terrible.