Social Media Envy is Tearing Us Apart
We all have our insecurities and moments of feeling inferior to others who appear to have it all. If reading your friends' statuses about their exciting lives announcing pregnancies, engagements, fabulous vacations or seeing wedding picture after wedding picture on your news feed is enough to make you sick to your stomach; then you have social media envy.
So said one of the 1,028 Americans who answered our survey about social media envy. Our data revealed that envy is now a pervasive part of our online experience, and thus, of our daily lives. Two thirds of us have experienced social media envy in the past month.
Our survey uncovered a number of interesting patterns and commonalities in how social media fires up the green-eyed monster. But what was even more revealing were the very personal experiences that our respondents shared: stories about their latest experience of social media envy, and the impact it's had on their relationships.
These stories paint a picture of a society in crisis: A society in which our most precious relationships, as well as the day-to-day social fabric of casual friendship, are being torn apart. That's because social media gives us constant, immediate access to everything we're not doing, and leads us to question both our lives and our friends.
In the past month, how often have you felt envious (whether it's just a little or really jealous) because of something you saw on social media?
Social media waters the seeds of self-doubt
I had a friend who recently posted from Miami, and I have to say I was a bit jealous. I am sitting in NW Pennsylvania with 23 inches of snow outside and she is living it up with a pineapple drink on the beach in the sun.
It is petty of me to admit it but I is people's kids. I have a non-verbal ASD 5 y.o. (who is beautiful btw). I get jealous and feel guilty when I see people bragging u their kids.
The post was about a friend's family vacation. My spouse lost their job a few years ago, and we decided to try to make our life work on a single salary. That allowed her to stay home with the kids while I continued to work my normal job. This has caused use to really look hard at our monthly budget. We downsized to pre-paid cell phones, change our eating habits (no more eating out), use an antenna for television (no netflix or hulu), and really monitor all other expenses. We shop predominately at a discount grocery store and rarely make splurges. With all of our cutting, we definitely won't be taking any vacations in the near future. As a result, it is sometimes difficult to see others enjoying vacations, new cars or homes, or simply doing frivolous things. The vacation post really bothered me because our son had asked me why we hadn't taken a vacation in the last few years.
Someone that I went to college with owns a house. I feel less and less certain that I will ever own a house, at least in the near future.
Thinking about the last time you saw something on a social network that made you feel envious, what was the post about?
I love to travel and I just saw 8 my high school classmates going to Singapore for a trip to celebrate turning "40". I really wished I was there with them on a girl's trip. I have been tied home with a son who has a disability and had to give up a number of things, travel being one of them.
The post was about somebody's "hardest day ever" because her big fancy expensive house that had just gone on the market the previous week and only had 2 offers and her kid was rude to the au pair. Meanwhile we're struggling to just survive and this kind of person/poster is so ignorant of how lucky they are and how some people would kill to have those kinds of problems.
The post was a gender reveal video from my husband's cousin. They found out that they are having a girl. I was so envious because I would give anything to be pregnant and excited to share the news with everyone. I have lost three unborn babies. Even if I were to get pregnant again, I would never have the carefree attitude that the couple in the video has.
I felt envious when I was viewing pictures of people with their parents. I lost my Dad 17 years ago and my Mom within the past few months. It is very difficult to deal with. When I saw pictures of people enjoying time with their parents, I felt envious because that is not something I can do anymore.
The post was about someone else who has a chronic illness like I do. The person has been getting so much support and people willing to help them and that is something I don't really get at all.
It was a post from a wife to her husband expressing anniversary wishes. My husband passed away about 8 months ago and we just had our 30th anniversary. I was so wishing that was me telling my husband.
The last time I felt envious when I saw something on social media was when I saw one of my best friend's posts about her weight loss transformation. It was very bittersweet - I was so happy for her, knowing she'd worked very hard... but I was also jealous because I wanted to have a similar story. I want to lose weight and be happy with my body in the saw way she was. I was and still am envious of how her body looks.
The post was about a girl's fitness instagram. In the picture, she is wearing a bikini, and her body looks perfect. In the caption area of the post, the girl writes how happy and healthy her life has been lately. The thing that made me feel the most envious was the fact that my boyfriend liked the post.
Yesterday, I was scrolling through facebook and saw a friend post a picture of her and her family. They were at the beach and she was in a bikini. She was sitting there looking so happy and unconcerned with the fact that she had birthed two children. She was smiling and looked care free. Her body was flawless. I envied her in that moment. I remembered every imperfection I had. Thinking about it now, I am envious again.
How did your last experience of social media make you feel?
A former co-worker of mine just got a very good job with the city and was bragging about it on Facebook. I was very happy for him, but also extremely envious, because I am at the same job he was at, but he had the guts to go out and land that job. Oh, and he's making $7 more an hour than I am now, sheesh!
Someone showed their extreme weight loss journey over the past year, someone who started their journey around the time I attempt to start mine. It made me realize how much I could have changed and did not.
The post was about one of my friends vacationing with his family. I haven't had kids yet, it just hasn't been in the cards or something I'm sure I want. But there are times when I see pics like that and think, what if?
My friend is always going off to Hawaii and getting her nails done and going out to eat. She lives in Los Angeles which I had to move away from because it was so expensive. We have similar educations and social backgrounds, so here I am, living in shithole Alabama so far away from my friends and my family and the land that I love and I never get to go anywhere and I don't have any friends here and she's back there living a great life doing things I don't get to do and I don't understand how she can even afford it, she's a teacher. It stresses me out, I made the wrong decision so many years ago trying to beat the high cost of living.
This was a post by an older friend that I don't see much anymore. She was out with a couple of her friends for a night of partying evidently and the three of them were posed in a somewhat darkly lit photo with nice clothing and make up on…They looked like they were having a ton of fun…I was envious that they had the time and connections to look their best and go out. I wish my life afforded me more chances to dress up and be a bit more girly, but I spend most of my time training. And I'm super self-conscious about wearing nice clothes and make up. I know that isn't really me at heart but I wish it were some times.
I saw a post from a friend who was on a trip overseas. She looked happy and content and was in a really beautiful place in the Italian Alps. I wanted to change places with her and sit in that cafe and watch the beautiful people go by. I was pretty envious of her life at that point, since I was stuck in my office doing my boring job. Make no mistake, I could go to Italy too, but somehow she makes it look so much better and easier. If it was me, my post would be about being stuck in the airport after my flight was cancelled.
A friend list is just a list of people to envy
I felt envious of friends I occasionally look up on LinkedIn from my childhood. It depresses me that they graduated school, and are doing well for some reason. Half of my group of friends are now very successful at a very young age, one is a software engineer making over $100,000, the other is studying to become a doctor, and yet another got promoted to manager of a health insurance company. I'm just going back to college now so I'm a little envious they got a head start, while I'm still poor.
Who posted the item that made you feel envious?
A friend went to a few concerts in the UK of our favorite band, who was doing a few reunion shows. I've seen them 8 times myself and 2 of those reunion shows, but she's been to almost all of them and I wish I was able to afford to do that too.
I am part of a group that focuses on a specific type of way of eating (keto). Quite often, the group members post pictures showing their progress in the form of weight loss. There was one woman who is my age and had close to the same starting weight, etc that I am. She has lost a considerable amount of weight and looks spectacular. I felt envious that she has had the successful weight loss she has had.
I also regularly feel jealous when I go on Snapchat…I like to search through the DailyMail articles, but they often feature pretty celebrities and I feel bad about myself after looking through those. I objectively have a decent body but I would still change a lot if I could.
What made me feel envious was seeing the luxuries that celebrities like Kim Kardashian and Cardi B have. Items of theirs that make me envy them are ones from top brands like Gucci, and Louis Vuitton.
I saw Floyd Mayweather's new 18 million dollar watch and I am struggling to pay rent. I envy the rich because they don't have to worry about the thing that runs this world.
I have a friend who is rather wealthy and he is always posting things regarding items he's been given from his wife or purchased from himself. I'm envious that I can't live the life that he does and not have to worry about money, etc.
My best friend recently bought a house, while I (because of financial troubles) have had to move back home with my mom and dad. Going through all the pictures he posted of each room and the stuff they contained, made me very jealous. I was jealous of his back deck, his fireplace, his giant TV above the mantle, the guest room, the other guest room, the office for him, the office for her, the list goes on and on.
The post was about a girl that I went to school with that just had a baby. Now, I was not jeolous of her having a baby but It make me a little upset that after her having three abortions, she finaly chose to keeo this child. I thought about all of the innocent parents that are currently dealing with a tragedy or heartache because they either lost their baby or couldnt produce a baby. I just wonder why everything in this girls life is so perfect after all the wrong she's done behind closed doors. I remeber when she would brag on social media about females always having kids every time she turns around but little did anyone know, she was having babies too, sadly, she decided to kill hers until she felt like it was time to keep it.
This post was..from a direct sales person I follow. She is known to have bullied some of her former co-workers and now she is excelling. She went live to show us her new vacation home and said that she was on her way to buy a new boat…It seems that some people who are intentionally bad towards others still have a way of getting ahead…[M]aybe I had bullied my way to the top I would have what she does. I just can't bring myself to hurt others for my gain.
[A]n aqquaintence of mine had posted showing a picture of a scratch off ticket that he had bought and was a winner for 500.00. The particular person that posted this and won does not work and not through any fault but his own. He choses not to work or support his family and he had won the money. I on the other hand work everyday and do everything that I can to support my family and never win anything. It made me mad, frustrated, and also jealous of the fact that he won this and not someone like myself that could really use it and put it to good use.
A friend had posted about their trip to a luxury resort that I could not afford if I saved up for the next five years of my life. They spent a week there and humble bragged about how hard it was to take time off work to go. This is another sore spot because I have a terrible, menial, low-paying job and they basically lucked into a high-paying, cakewalk job where they get to hobnob with celebrities at least once a week. So it was a post that created envy on multiple fronts.
I have a Male friend, Stephen, who was a hang out buddy in college. We live in the same area and make about the same amount of money in our households. However, he ALWAYS has the latest technology, he takes luxurious travel trips for work and home, has amazing vehicles.... Logically. I know they are probably way overextended and probably don't have nearly as much saved or invested as we do, but I can't help feeling jealous at what appears to be a very full current life with minimal work obligations - in a nutshell, he lives a life of luxury and leisure. Last week, he posted a video of his new Tesla parking itself in the garage. My husband was ga-ga over it. I suddenly felt that our life was so inadequate. My husband works in Federal Law Enforcement, and puts his life on the line everyday....I feel like he more deserving of these things than Stephen. He is a good loyal man, while Stephen is a cheater, and his wife is a trophy gold digger. It hurt my heart that Teddy couldn't have that. [NOTE: We should anonymize if we leave this in.]
It was about someone's vacation, and it was specifically the pictures that made me jealous. Also the fact that the person doesn't have a job, and I work my butt off but still can't afford a vacation like that.
Online envy eats away at our offline relationships
I know it's bad, but my best friend posted how she well she is doing...I realize I should have been happy for her but I couldn't help but feel so left out and jealous over this. I wished I could get that kind of attention and display that level of talent. I didn't tell her this of course and still liked her insta post, but still the envy festers inside of me.
The last thing to make me feel envious on a social network was Instagram pictures of a trip that a friend took to a luxury resort. They make a lot more money than I do and normally that doesn't affect our friendship but seeing them be able to spend so conspicuously while I have to work really made me jealous. It even lead me to reconsider whether or not to stay friends with them because I feel like I can't really relate to their lifestyle and hobbies.
I saw a friend with some of their other friends take a trip together to the Renaissance Faire. I was envious because I had mentioned to them various times throughout the year that I wanted to go and I even asked them if they would also like to go. I asked again a few weeks ago and they said they would let me know. They never got back to me and I had to find out why through Facebook. It was envy and hurt all mixed together.
Two friends of mine who have significant others posted a picture of them out to eat at a new restaurant near us with their partners. I was envious because I'm single at the moment and feel like I miss out on a lot of social things because I don't have a boyfriend. [I felt] Really bad. Like their life was better than mine because here they are out having dinner and a good time and I was at home doing nothing and they didn't invite me.
Several "friends" posted on Facebook and Instagram about a get together they had this past weekend. We're all part of a secret moms group on Facebook and I feel like I'm friends with some of these women, yet I wasn't invited. I was having a hard time already while my husband was out of town for five days and my three kids were driving me crazy. To keep seeing those posts was really hurtful and is just another reminder that clearly I'm not as good of friends with those women as I try to think.
A friend posted about their son graduating from High School and how proud she was of him. My child on the autistic spectrum quit school as a freshman and will never graduate. I felt jealous, angry, and disappointed, then felt guilty that I was feeling that way about my child, whom I love very much.
I have a difficult family life, so much so that I don't even speak with them anymore. however, there are a group of my cousins that are very close. There is one in particular, who I know for 100 percent fact is a half sister of mine, she looked exactly like me despite having different parents. I know l she is my fathers child. Her mother confessed to me but I am not allowed to say anything. This girl, who I love, but, wow, she has everything I never had. The post that made me feel that way was a family picture of her and others. She is a wild card and young and gets into trouble but no one ever says anything to her despite being an outspoken party girl. I feel its like that as she has a "different" father in everyones eyes. I am envious of her life, I was a good kid and got so abused, she has my same POS father, but because her mom was normal and rational she left and fabricated a better life for her. Seeing her with people that think she's their sister when in reality shes their cousin too, it's hard and depressing at times.
It was July 4th and I noticed several people with large groups of friends and family, at the lake, drinking, skiing, tubing and generally having a good time….Everything looked perfect and it is what I would imagine doing on the 4th of July if I had the choice. My wife doesn't like to spend time at the lake and we had a pretty boring 4th of July with just the 4 of us and $40 worth of fireworks.
I'm friends with my daughter-in-law on Facebook. I never realized just how many friends she has and how social she is. I learned everything about her from Facebook, not by having conversations with her. In fact, she doesn't really make time for my husband and myself. On any given day, I see what dance club she went to with her friends, what concert she went to with her friends, what activity she is doing with her friends, etc. My son and I have talked about it. He knows she's very social with her girlfriends and he's not bothered by it. I'm just baffled that I don't really know her, except for what I see on social media. [I feel] A little envious that I not only feel left out of her life, but that she appears to have a life that's all about her.
There is this woman who I've had a crush on for years. I don't think this crush will ever truly go away. I saw pictures of her, and her boyfriend on vacation, and it made my heart sink.
A friend of mine found out she was pregnant with a surprise baby, her 5th, and that it was a girl. I felt envious because my husband and I have four children and I desperately want another child, but we are unable to become pregnant again. Also, if I were to have a fifth child, I would want it to be a girl. I felt very jealous and sad when I read her news (although I am happy for them).
The post was by someone that I used to know and care about. He was posting sweet words to a Facebook friend on her birthday. It's been 40 years since I've seen him but he doesn't want to talk to me..I felt hurt that he talks to others in a sweet way but somewhat treats me like a stranger. It hurt and I felt envious of the girl even though she lives in another country and probably doesn't really know him.
A old friend who I have lost touch with posted pictures from a recent all girls trip…I was envious of the strong bond her and other friends have. I wanted to be part of that group . I wanted to be there with them. I wanted the long lasting friendship that had girls nights and vacations…I want that bond.
I saw my friend being spoiled by her spouse with flowers, breakfast in bed and she posted that she got a back rub.. This seems to be a regular occurrence in her life and her spouse does these things for no reason other than he loves her.
They are posts of beautiful women. I am envious of people that have sex with these woman. Envious I can't be with women like that. [The post was from] a porn star.
It was someone getting more likes or favorites than I do. They show off how crazy their life is and how they can go to all these different locations, it was them traveling to Croatia.
I saw a post from Rachel and Jun featuring their amazingly cute and well-behaved 3 cats…I wanted cats that could play together without fighting, and were photogenic enough to get hundreds of thousands of followers on YouTube and other social media platforms.
The thing that made me envious was my friend who bought a car, I don't own a car and he kept taking pictures of it and putting it on instagram - it was getting out of hand for me so I commented "dude stop" and he blocked me shortly after, as if i did something wrong.
I saw a picture of the sister of a friend of mine on Instagram. She was on a yacht in Capri, Italy. She was surrounded with friends all laughing and having a great time. The scenery was so beautiful and the water was so blue. I've never seen anything like it in real life and i was so jealous in that moment. It made me want to go to Capri, even if I didn't have all those gorgeous friends with me. It made me want to take that picture on a yacht with a glass of fresh wine.
Second thoughts on social
I felt jealous that my friends with kids, have their lives together. Their kids look happy their homes are always meticulous, they are dressed in amazing clothes and so are their kids. My kid is usually dressed really cute but I look a hot mess and I only have one little one. I wonder if people get outside help because here there is no help.
Last night I saw photos of my friend's vacation to Vegas and it made me so jealous and envious. I stayed up all night staring at their photos. I will sometimes notice that when I roll through facebook and look at everyone else I always think "Wow, everyone else looks so happy and carefree, why can't I be that way" and I become envious sometimes. Then I just have to remember that EVERYONE has their own problems that they are dealing with in their own way and that I am me and not someone else, so I should never compare myself to someone else, it only goes to bad places and you just kind of shit on yourself. I try not to do that today, but I still sometimes do. It's just something that you have to remember and manage when you can.
[M]y co-worker had posted several photographs of himself and his family while on vacation. His photographs made me think immediately that I was jealous that he was on vacation and having such a good time while I was stuck at work. But it even goes beyond that. The more I thought about it, the more i wished that I the same financial resources that my co-worker has. Then I wished that my family was as happy as his appeared to be. I felt really silly afterwards because, when he is not on vacation, we see each other frequently and I know that his life is not "better" than mine, only different.
The last time I saw something on social media that made me feel envious was a post on Facebook that an old high school acquaintance had made about her daily life as a mom of three young kids…Her husband isn't much more successful than mine and neither she nor I make a lot of money, so we are comparable in many areas… But it appears as though she can afford so much more than I can which makes me a bit envious of her lifestyle and ability to manage money. I also feel a bit envious of her parenting skills because, while I do a lot of fun stuff with my kids, it's not nearly as frequent as she appears to. I have to keep in mind that nobody's life is as perfect as it appears on social media just to keep myself from feeling like a total failure at life.
I saw a post of a former co-worker who had gotten a very, very expensive car. Even though I know him pretty well and understand that so many of people's online posts are done for attention or prideful reasons, I still couldn't help but feel envious…I had mixed emotions: I was happy for him, and not doubt a bit envious, but I also felt a bit embarrassed that he would want such attention.
The last time I saw something on a social network that made me feel envious was when a friend kept posting about all of these places she always goes. It is more like a fairy tale reading these posts because it just doesn't seem that any normal working class person could take these many trips and do as many things as she posts. Sometimes, or a lot of the time, she is not even in the pictures that she posts so I often wonder if they are all even true.
The post was about a family who travels a lot, and they were going to a tropical island yet again for all to see. I felt envious because I would love for my family to be able to afford a vacation this summer. We have to be really conservative with our money and therefore cannot even think about going somewhere like a tropical island. I am thinking about closing my Facebook account because of this.
There was a post on facebook of someone showing off vacation pics with their children, and husband. It made me feel bad as I realized I will likely never have a family due to my being divorced, and in a tremendous amount of medical bill debt. It is one of the reasons I stopped visiting facebook daily. It makes me cognizant of the fact that I don't have very many good things to share about my life.
I have a friend who home schools, has two adopted children and two natural children, a supportive husband who has a good job so she can stay home with the kids. She is a beautiful person inside and out and just an all around amazing person, who's humble to boot. When I see her posts, I am reminded the my life did not turn out as planned and I am not living life at her level. It makes me jealous and there are times when I have to "snooze" her on Facebook so that I don't go into a depression thinking about how I don't live up to that standard.
I have a friend whom I have known since high school. She and her German husband and their daughter travel all over Europe, lived in Costa Rica for a while, and generally embrace the "expatriate" life, which is appealing in a way. I have not traveled anywhere near the same amount in my life, and I often wish that I could see all the places that she goes to. Luckily, we have stayed friends somewhat over the years and I can live vicariously through her many Instagram stories and Facebook posts and, if I imagine hard enough, I can see myself having been a world traveler, too.
The post was on dogspotting, about someone in Paris who spotted a dog sitting next to a guy at an outdoor table. The guy looked sort of sad and in deep thought. The person who posted said something like 'the perfect Paris scene, a faithful dog and a man in a state of angst.' Or words to that effect. So not only was the person in Paris and taking photos of cute dogs and people, he was appreciating it and taking in the full experience.
My friend who is a professional guitarist shared pictures of the equipment he had set up in his home….I know he worked really hard to earn all that but it's my dream to live on my own and have a house to play music in like that. I was absolutely jealous and asked him if I could save the pictures as a reminder to keep following my goals.
[Another university student] posted about having a great paying job (that they enjoy), a house they just bought, and have already paid off their student loans. While I graduated just a year after them, I have none of these things. It really made me question wether I was being successful and what they very definition of success is.
Art. I myself am an artist, so when I see really fantastic art posts, I do feel a bit envious. But instead of letting it put me down, I let it inspire me to work harder.…Seeing the post made me feel like I wish I was better, and that I need to work harder in order to accomplish what I want.
Friends from the past on vacation or just having a good time in general, while I'm lying in bed looking at the pictures. That and fancy delicious looking meals, I'm always jealous of that.