Comments on: The meaning of friendship, on- and offline http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/relationships/the-meaning-of-friendship-on-and-offline with Alexandra Samuel Tue, 22 May 2012 14:35:00 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v= By: Brian http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/relationships/the-meaning-of-friendship-on-and-offline#comment-195813 Brian Fri, 07 May 2010 06:38:59 +0000 http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/?p=9374#comment-195813 I recently lost a pet in very shocking and traumatic manner that caused me a great deal of grief. I made a FB post expressing my deep sadness and expected a great deal of support from my FB friends. Instead, I got comments from a mere two people sending their condolences. I was pretty surprised by the lack of support. I realize that not everyone checks FB everday and that I probably check it more often than most, but still, I expected more. It made me wonder what would happen if I wrote something to the effect of "I was diagnosed with cancer." or "I want to kill myself." How many of my so-called FB "friends" would actually read such a comment? How many of my friends Hide me from their newsfeed and don't actually see my updates at all unless they visit my page directly? And if such a shockling revelation would be completely missed by a large number of my so-called "friends," why bother? SO the whole incident got me thinking about the meaning of the word "friend" on and off FB, and that led me to your page. I like the story you wrote abotu from latin class, as I think that really nails the issue. My real friends call me, they support me, they see me in real life, but that's just a small number of people on my Friends list. The rest are better described as contacts... people I've met who I might have a passing interest in keeping ties with, such as friends of friends, classmates, and club members. I suppose if they were called FB Contacts, I wouldn't be so troubled as much. But calling them "friends" seems like a real stretch of the word that really cheapens the whole notion of what it means to be a friend. I recently lost a pet in very shocking and traumatic manner that caused me a great deal of grief. I made a FB post expressing my deep sadness and expected a great deal of support from my FB friends. Instead, I got comments from a mere two people sending their condolences. I was pretty surprised by the lack of support.

I realize that not everyone checks FB everday and that I probably check it more often than most, but still, I expected more. It made me wonder what would happen if I wrote something to the effect of “I was diagnosed with cancer.” or “I want to kill myself.” How many of my so-called FB “friends” would actually read such a comment? How many of my friends Hide me from their newsfeed and don’t actually see my updates at all unless they visit my page directly? And if such a shockling revelation would be completely missed by a large number of my so-called “friends,” why bother?

SO the whole incident got me thinking about the meaning of the word “friend” on and off FB, and that led me to your page. I like the story you wrote abotu from latin class, as I think that really nails the issue. My real friends call me, they support me, they see me in real life, but that’s just a small number of people on my Friends list. The rest are better described as contacts… people I’ve met who I might have a passing interest in keeping ties with, such as friends of friends, classmates, and club members. I suppose if they were called FB Contacts, I wouldn’t be so troubled as much. But calling them “friends” seems like a real stretch of the word that really cheapens the whole notion of what it means to be a friend.

]]> By: Brian http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/relationships/the-meaning-of-friendship-on-and-offline#comment-198532 Brian Fri, 07 May 2010 06:38:00 +0000 http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/?p=9374#comment-198532 I recently lost a pet in very shocking and traumatic manner that caused me a great deal of grief. I made a FB post expressing my deep sadness and expected a great deal of support from my FB friends. Instead, I got comments from a mere two people sending their condolences. I was pretty surprised by the lack of support. I realize that not everyone checks FB everday and that I probably check it more often than most, but still, I expected more. It made me wonder what would happen if I wrote something to the effect of "I was diagnosed with cancer." or "I want to kill myself." How many of my so-called FB "friends" would actually read such a comment? How many of my friends Hide me from their newsfeed and don't actually see my updates at all unless they visit my page directly? And if such a shockling revelation would be completely missed by a large number of my so-called "friends," why bother? SO the whole incident got me thinking about the meaning of the word "friend" on and off FB, and that led me to your page. I like the story you wrote abotu from latin class, as I think that really nails the issue. My real friends call me, they support me, they see me in real life, but that's just a small number of people on my Friends list. The rest are better described as contacts... people I've met who I might have a passing interest in keeping ties with, such as friends of friends, classmates, and club members. I suppose if they were called FB Contacts, I wouldn't be so troubled as much. But calling them "friends" seems like a real stretch of the word that really cheapens the whole notion of what it means to be a friend. I recently lost a pet in very shocking and traumatic manner that caused me a great deal of grief. I made a FB post expressing my deep sadness and expected a great deal of support from my FB friends. Instead, I got comments from a mere two people sending their condolences. I was pretty surprised by the lack of support.

I realize that not everyone checks FB everday and that I probably check it more often than most, but still, I expected more. It made me wonder what would happen if I wrote something to the effect of “I was diagnosed with cancer.” or “I want to kill myself.” How many of my so-called FB “friends” would actually read such a comment? How many of my friends Hide me from their newsfeed and don’t actually see my updates at all unless they visit my page directly? And if such a shockling revelation would be completely missed by a large number of my so-called “friends,” why bother?

SO the whole incident got me thinking about the meaning of the word “friend” on and off FB, and that led me to your page. I like the story you wrote abotu from latin class, as I think that really nails the issue. My real friends call me, they support me, they see me in real life, but that’s just a small number of people on my Friends list. The rest are better described as contacts… people I’ve met who I might have a passing interest in keeping ties with, such as friends of friends, classmates, and club members. I suppose if they were called FB Contacts, I wouldn’t be so troubled as much. But calling them “friends” seems like a real stretch of the word that really cheapens the whole notion of what it means to be a friend.

]]> By: Jen Robbins http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/relationships/the-meaning-of-friendship-on-and-offline#comment-192790 Jen Robbins Fri, 26 Mar 2010 01:26:20 +0000 http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/?p=9374#comment-192790 I could go on forever about Facebook. In mid-2007, relatively early FB days, I checked out one of our student intern applicant's Facebook page. It was completely open, like I find many younger kids' are. A few weeks in and I friend-requested him. He accepted, but put me on limited profile. So I could see more *before* we became "friends" than after! Personally I do know the difference between "friends" and friends. I do tend to friend people early on, after all, I use Facebook as my primary communication tool. We're so busy these days, it's easier to ask "are you on Facebook" than remember someone's name AND their e-mail address. I could go on forever about Facebook. In mid-2007, relatively early FB days, I checked out one of our student intern applicant’s Facebook page. It was completely open, like I find many younger kids’ are. A few weeks in and I friend-requested him. He accepted, but put me on limited profile. So I could see more *before* we became “friends” than after! Personally I do know the difference between “friends” and friends. I do tend to friend people early on, after all, I use Facebook as my primary communication tool. We’re so busy these days, it’s easier to ask “are you on Facebook” than remember someone’s name AND their e-mail address.

]]> By: Jen Robbins http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/relationships/the-meaning-of-friendship-on-and-offline#comment-198531 Jen Robbins Fri, 26 Mar 2010 01:26:00 +0000 http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/?p=9374#comment-198531 I could go on forever about Facebook. In mid-2007, relatively early FB days, I checked out one of our student intern applicant's Facebook page. It was completely open, like I find many younger kids' are. A few weeks in and I friend-requested him. He accepted, but put me on limited profile. So I could see more *before* we became "friends" than after! Personally I do know the difference between "friends" and friends. I do tend to friend people early on, after all, I use Facebook as my primary communication tool. We're so busy these days, it's easier to ask "are you on Facebook" than remember someone's name AND their e-mail address. I could go on forever about Facebook. In mid-2007, relatively early FB days, I checked out one of our student intern applicant’s Facebook page. It was completely open, like I find many younger kids’ are. A few weeks in and I friend-requested him. He accepted, but put me on limited profile. So I could see more *before* we became “friends” than after! Personally I do know the difference between “friends” and friends. I do tend to friend people early on, after all, I use Facebook as my primary communication tool. We’re so busy these days, it’s easier to ask “are you on Facebook” than remember someone’s name AND their e-mail address.

]]> By: Raul http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/relationships/the-meaning-of-friendship-on-and-offline#comment-190115 Raul Fri, 22 Jan 2010 00:11:16 +0000 http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/?p=9374#comment-190115 Alex, you hit the nail in the head. I have only "friended" people on Facebook who are my actual real friends. I can look at the list of my 449 facebook friends and be fully aware that I know EACH and every one of them. That at least I have had a beer with one of them on at least one occasion (or any other drink, like coffee, tea or martinis). I have a very important person in my life, and he has the really bad tendency to call people "friend" even if they see each other once every six months to have coffee. That, to me, isn't friendship. That's an acquaintance. The irresponsible combined misuse of language (the word "friend") in social networking sites has led to the erosion of the meaning and value of real connections. I consider you a friend, so much so that I feel free to go running to you to ask for advice when I see myself stuck. To me, friendship means much more. And I truly value my friendship with you (and with Rob, on a side note as well!) Much love, R. Alex, you hit the nail in the head. I have only “friended” people on Facebook who are my actual real friends. I can look at the list of my 449 facebook friends and be fully aware that I know EACH and every one of them. That at least I have had a beer with one of them on at least one occasion (or any other drink, like coffee, tea or martinis).

I have a very important person in my life, and he has the really bad tendency to call people “friend” even if they see each other once every six months to have coffee. That, to me, isn’t friendship. That’s an acquaintance. The irresponsible combined misuse of language (the word “friend”) in social networking sites has led to the erosion of the meaning and value of real connections. I consider you a friend, so much so that I feel free to go running to you to ask for advice when I see myself stuck.

To me, friendship means much more. And I truly value my friendship with you (and with Rob, on a side note as well!)

Much love,
R.

]]> By: Raul http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/relationships/the-meaning-of-friendship-on-and-offline#comment-198530 Raul Fri, 22 Jan 2010 00:11:00 +0000 http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/?p=9374#comment-198530 Alex, you hit the nail in the head. I have only "friended" people on Facebook who are my actual real friends. I can look at the list of my 449 facebook friends and be fully aware that I know EACH and every one of them. That at least I have had a beer with one of them on at least one occasion (or any other drink, like coffee, tea or martinis). I have a very important person in my life, and he has the really bad tendency to call people "friend" even if they see each other once every six months to have coffee. That, to me, isn't friendship. That's an acquaintance. The irresponsible combined misuse of language (the word "friend") in social networking sites has led to the erosion of the meaning and value of real connections. I consider you a friend, so much so that I feel free to go running to you to ask for advice when I see myself stuck. To me, friendship means much more. And I truly value my friendship with you (and with Rob, on a side note as well!) Much love, R. Alex, you hit the nail in the head. I have only “friended” people on Facebook who are my actual real friends. I can look at the list of my 449 facebook friends and be fully aware that I know EACH and every one of them. That at least I have had a beer with one of them on at least one occasion (or any other drink, like coffee, tea or martinis).

I have a very important person in my life, and he has the really bad tendency to call people “friend” even if they see each other once every six months to have coffee. That, to me, isn’t friendship. That’s an acquaintance. The irresponsible combined misuse of language (the word “friend”) in social networking sites has led to the erosion of the meaning and value of real connections. I consider you a friend, so much so that I feel free to go running to you to ask for advice when I see myself stuck.

To me, friendship means much more. And I truly value my friendship with you (and with Rob, on a side note as well!)

Much love,
R.

]]> By: Alex http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/relationships/the-meaning-of-friendship-on-and-offline#comment-190101 Alex Thu, 21 Jan 2010 19:37:23 +0000 http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/?p=9374#comment-190101 Tanya, I'm so glad you highlighted the popularity contest issue, because I think you're right -- the dynamic that cheapens the notion of friendship is all the folks "friending" each other just to increase the number of friends that shows up in their profile. Sam, glad to hear you also enjoyed the piece. Charles, it's lovely to hear from you -- and you're an example of what is GREAT about Facebook, namely the way it can keep us in touch with friends from previous lives. The student/teacher dynamic is something I hear about from a lot of educators; I've heard teachers talk about their concern for feeling liable (legally or morally) if a student posts info on their FB page that (possibly inadvertently) lets a teacher know about problem behaviour: for example if a student is drinking or posting suicidal thoughts, should the teacher report it to the student's parents? No wonder so many teachers have a blanket rule against friending students. Tiago, you're right that I may be unduly paranoid -- perhaps the friend in question had changed her profile settings for all friends. But Facebook does let you customize your privacy settings for different groups and individuals. Here's how: 1. Choose "friends" from the main nav menu and choose "create new list". Give it a name (e.g. "closest pals") and assign the people you want to share ALL your info with. 2. Go to settings and choose any section of your profile that you'd like to make visible only to your closest friends (e.g. "Family and Relationship"). 3. Click the dropdown menu to the right of your selection profile section (here, "Family and Relationship") and choose "Customize". 4. Click "specific people" and enter the name of your list ("closest pals"). Now only "closest pals" will see your Family & Relationship info. Since there isn't a "nobody" option on the dropdown list, my friend must have used this customize option to select specific friends or lists who would have access to her profile fields, and she clearly left me off it. In other words, people, feel free to slight me, but know that I will be documenting the how-to process for future reference. Tanya, I’m so glad you highlighted the popularity contest issue, because I think you’re right — the dynamic that cheapens the notion of friendship is all the folks “friending” each other just to increase the number of friends that shows up in their profile.

Sam, glad to hear you also enjoyed the piece.

Charles, it’s lovely to hear from you — and you’re an example of what is GREAT about Facebook, namely the way it can keep us in touch with friends from previous lives. The student/teacher dynamic is something I hear about from a lot of educators; I’ve heard teachers talk about their concern for feeling liable (legally or morally) if a student posts info on their FB page that (possibly inadvertently) lets a teacher know about problem behaviour: for example if a student is drinking or posting suicidal thoughts, should the teacher report it to the student’s parents? No wonder so many teachers have a blanket rule against friending students.

Tiago, you’re right that I may be unduly paranoid — perhaps the friend in question had changed her profile settings for all friends. But Facebook does let you customize your privacy settings for different groups and individuals. Here’s how:
1. Choose “friends” from the main nav menu and choose “create new list”. Give it a name (e.g. “closest pals”) and assign the people you want to share ALL your info with.
2. Go to settings and choose any section of your profile that you’d like to make visible only to your closest friends (e.g. “Family and Relationship”).
3. Click the dropdown menu to the right of your selection profile section (here, “Family and Relationship”) and choose “Customize”.
4. Click “specific people” and enter the name of your list (“closest pals”). Now only “closest pals” will see your Family & Relationship info.

Since there isn’t a “nobody” option on the dropdown list, my friend must have used this customize option to select specific friends or lists who would have access to her profile fields, and she clearly left me off it.

In other words, people, feel free to slight me, but know that I will be documenting the how-to process for future reference.

]]> By: Alex http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/relationships/the-meaning-of-friendship-on-and-offline#comment-198529 Alex Thu, 21 Jan 2010 19:37:00 +0000 http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/?p=9374#comment-198529 Tanya, I'm so glad you highlighted the popularity contest issue, because I think you're right -- the dynamic that cheapens the notion of friendship is all the folks "friending" each other just to increase the number of friends that shows up in their profile. Sam, glad to hear you also enjoyed the piece. Charles, it's lovely to hear from you -- and you're an example of what is GREAT about Facebook, namely the way it can keep us in touch with friends from previous lives. The student/teacher dynamic is something I hear about from a lot of educators; I've heard teachers talk about their concern for feeling liable (legally or morally) if a student posts info on their FB page that (possibly inadvertently) lets a teacher know about problem behaviour: for example if a student is drinking or posting suicidal thoughts, should the teacher report it to the student's parents? No wonder so many teachers have a blanket rule against friending students. Tiago, you're right that I may be unduly paranoid -- perhaps the friend in question had changed her profile settings for all friends. But Facebook does let you customize your privacy settings for different groups and individuals. Here's how: 1. Choose "friends" from the main nav menu and choose "create new list". Give it a name (e.g. "closest pals") and assign the people you want to share ALL your info with. 2. Go to settings and choose any section of your profile that you'd like to make visible only to your closest friends (e.g. "Family and Relationship"). 3. Click the dropdown menu to the right of your selection profile section (here, "Family and Relationship") and choose "Customize". 4. Click "specific people" and enter the name of your list ("closest pals"). Now only "closest pals" will see your Family & Relationship info. Since there isn't a "nobody" option on the dropdown list, my friend must have used this customize option to select specific friends or lists who would have access to her profile fields, and she clearly left me off it. In other words, people, feel free to slight me, but know that I will be documenting the how-to process for future reference. Tanya, I’m so glad you highlighted the popularity contest issue, because I think you’re right — the dynamic that cheapens the notion of friendship is all the folks “friending” each other just to increase the number of friends that shows up in their profile.

Sam, glad to hear you also enjoyed the piece.

Charles, it’s lovely to hear from you — and you’re an example of what is GREAT about Facebook, namely the way it can keep us in touch with friends from previous lives. The student/teacher dynamic is something I hear about from a lot of educators; I’ve heard teachers talk about their concern for feeling liable (legally or morally) if a student posts info on their FB page that (possibly inadvertently) lets a teacher know about problem behaviour: for example if a student is drinking or posting suicidal thoughts, should the teacher report it to the student’s parents? No wonder so many teachers have a blanket rule against friending students.

Tiago, you’re right that I may be unduly paranoid — perhaps the friend in question had changed her profile settings for all friends. But Facebook does let you customize your privacy settings for different groups and individuals. Here’s how:
1. Choose “friends” from the main nav menu and choose “create new list”. Give it a name (e.g. “closest pals”) and assign the people you want to share ALL your info with.
2. Go to settings and choose any section of your profile that you’d like to make visible only to your closest friends (e.g. “Family and Relationship”).
3. Click the dropdown menu to the right of your selection profile section (here, “Family and Relationship”) and choose “Customize”.
4. Click “specific people” and enter the name of your list (“closest pals”). Now only “closest pals” will see your Family & Relationship info.

Since there isn’t a “nobody” option on the dropdown list, my friend must have used this customize option to select specific friends or lists who would have access to her profile fields, and she clearly left me off it.

In other words, people, feel free to slight me, but know that I will be documenting the how-to process for future reference.

]]> By: Tiago Sousa Gomes http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/relationships/the-meaning-of-friendship-on-and-offline#comment-190087 Tiago Sousa Gomes Thu, 21 Jan 2010 12:13:31 +0000 http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/?p=9374#comment-190087 "Instead I found myself staring at a virtually blank screen showing only her minimal info: clearly, she’d put me on a list of friends who would only have access to her limited profile. I’d been demoted from friend to “friend”™" You got it all wrong! Thats just because of the privacy settings for everyone, not just for you... Regards Tiago “Instead I found myself staring at a virtually blank screen showing only her minimal info: clearly, she’d put me on a list of friends who would only have access to her limited profile. I’d been demoted from friend to “friend”™”

You got it all wrong!
Thats just because of the privacy settings for everyone, not just for you…

Regards
Tiago

]]> By: Tiago Sousa Gomes http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/relationships/the-meaning-of-friendship-on-and-offline#comment-198528 Tiago Sousa Gomes Thu, 21 Jan 2010 12:13:00 +0000 http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/?p=9374#comment-198528 "Instead I found myself staring at a virtually blank screen showing only her minimal info: clearly, she’d put me on a list of friends who would only have access to her limited profile. I’d been demoted from friend to “friend”™" You got it all wrong! Thats just because of the privacy settings for everyone, not just for you... Regards Tiago “Instead I found myself staring at a virtually blank screen showing only her minimal info: clearly, she’d put me on a list of friends who would only have access to her limited profile. I’d been demoted from friend to “friend”™”

You got it all wrong!
Thats just because of the privacy settings for everyone, not just for you…

Regards
Tiago

]]> By: Charles http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/relationships/the-meaning-of-friendship-on-and-offline#comment-190063 Charles Wed, 20 Jan 2010 00:39:34 +0000 http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/?p=9374#comment-190063 Many of my students "friend" me on Facebook, and I have to wonder what they think will come of it. Since my family posts pictures of my youth, I tend to limit the access of my information to people I have had a conversation with at one point or another -- but many of my students do not do so. Once, after having accidentally seeing a picture of a student I am sure she would not have wanted me to see, I stopped automatically "friending" people who "friended" me. There are many things I just don't want to know. Including how to butcher a goat. Many of my students “friend” me on Facebook, and I have to wonder what they think will come of it. Since my family posts pictures of my youth, I tend to limit the access of my information to people I have had a conversation with at one point or another — but many of my students do not do so. Once, after having accidentally seeing a picture of a student I am sure she would not have wanted me to see, I stopped automatically “friending” people who “friended” me. There are many things I just don’t want to know.

Including how to butcher a goat.

]]> By: Charles http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/relationships/the-meaning-of-friendship-on-and-offline#comment-198527 Charles Wed, 20 Jan 2010 00:39:00 +0000 http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/?p=9374#comment-198527 Many of my students "friend" me on Facebook, and I have to wonder what they think will come of it. Since my family posts pictures of my youth, I tend to limit the access of my information to people I have had a conversation with at one point or another -- but many of my students do not do so. Once, after having accidentally seeing a picture of a student I am sure she would not have wanted me to see, I stopped automatically "friending" people who "friended" me. There are many things I just don't want to know. Including how to butcher a goat. Many of my students “friend” me on Facebook, and I have to wonder what they think will come of it. Since my family posts pictures of my youth, I tend to limit the access of my information to people I have had a conversation with at one point or another — but many of my students do not do so. Once, after having accidentally seeing a picture of a student I am sure she would not have wanted me to see, I stopped automatically “friending” people who “friended” me. There are many things I just don’t want to know.

Including how to butcher a goat.

]]> By: Sam http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/relationships/the-meaning-of-friendship-on-and-offline#comment-190059 Sam Tue, 19 Jan 2010 23:22:15 +0000 http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/?p=9374#comment-190059 It seems like a small thing, but I absolutely agree. I think facebook has certainly cheapened the idea of friendship by using "friend" as a term instead of giving it the full meaning it deserves. Cheers. It seems like a small thing, but I absolutely agree. I think facebook has certainly cheapened the idea of friendship by using “friend” as a term instead of giving it the full meaning it deserves. Cheers.

]]> By: Sam http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/relationships/the-meaning-of-friendship-on-and-offline#comment-198526 Sam Tue, 19 Jan 2010 23:22:00 +0000 http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/?p=9374#comment-198526 It seems like a small thing, but I absolutely agree. I think facebook has certainly cheapened the idea of friendship by using "friend" as a term instead of giving it the full meaning it deserves. Cheers. It seems like a small thing, but I absolutely agree. I think facebook has certainly cheapened the idea of friendship by using “friend” as a term instead of giving it the full meaning it deserves. Cheers.

]]> By: Tanya (aka NetChick) http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/relationships/the-meaning-of-friendship-on-and-offline#comment-190053 Tanya (aka NetChick) Tue, 19 Jan 2010 18:38:10 +0000 http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/?p=9374#comment-190053 Great points! I've often considered Facebook's "friend" list a misnomer. And, since when did it become a popularity contest? I'd rather have one good true friend, than 800 people who barely know my name. Thanks for such a thoughtful post :) Great points! I’ve often considered Facebook’s “friend” list a misnomer. And, since when did it become a popularity contest? I’d rather have one good true friend, than 800 people who barely know my name.

Thanks for such a thoughtful post :)

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